


A Magical Contract (Always Has Loopholes)

by Eissel



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Magical Girls, Attempt at Humor, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Elemental Magic, Everyone Here is a Disaster, Gen, Or at least as seriously as you can get with how I laid this shit out, Or rather testing the limits of what an element even means, Swearing, The Afterlife (Or Whatever You Call Truth's Pocket Dimension Thing) Is A Bureaucracy, The Power of Heart is Actually Useful, There is much roasting of Dwarf In The Flask and His Many Titles, There's A Tag For That ?, both kiddie swears and mature ones courtesy of the character roster, semi canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25633177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eissel/pseuds/Eissel
Summary: Truth’s associate learns that alchemists make for incredibly shitty magical girls, all because nitpicking (besides causing havoc) seems to be their favorite thing in the world to do.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41
Collections: FullMagicalGirl AU





	1. If Alchemists Are Assholes, Then Send in Someone Else to Take Care of the Problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would be too busy for this prompt, but clearly I was not, so have some crack courtesy of getting that one xkcd comic (you know the one) linked to me by a friend.
> 
> Also, I would list this as a crossover, but the work that gets featured here shows up like... directly at the end and nowhere else, so I didn't bother. Oh, and for people who don't like the kiddie swears, don't worry, they stop by the time Ed shows up, and they aren't even frequent in the first place.

Alchemists are a pain in the neck.

This is, of course, a widespread opinion amongst the non-alchemist portions of the world, but it is _especially_ prominent in Amestris. It is also an opinion that goes back to the first ever alchemist. 

This discovery had been made by a group of archeologists who had been examining the ruins of Xerxes and came across an oddly well-preserved book from the time that detailed _just_ how much of an asshole certain alchemists could be. 

(And upon hearing that news, the alchemist community in Amestris promptly did not bother to change their ways and continued doing what they were doing because of the widespread opinion in the _alchemist_ community that _non-alchemists_ were all scientifically illiterate _idiots_ who didn't understand their so-called "genius". Assholes.)

That being said, many alchemists would still take offense to said opinion, and, to be fair, you don’t _really_ want to contradict someone who can bury your ass in half a ton of stone by drawing a circle, now do you? 

But this isn’t about the regular people of Amestris, no. This is because alchemists are _such_ a pain in the neck that the God of Gods decided that _clearly_ the asshole God of Alchemy itself was influencing them too much, and decided that some _other_ godly entity could watch over them for now while Truth took a 500-year-long-and-then-some break to reflect upon their actions.

(Read: A 500-year-long-and-then-some _time out._ ) 

Enter the God of Magical Girls, Boys, and Other Such Entities. They had been chosen to _also_ go on a 500-year-long-and-then-some sabbatical (at the same _exact_ time as Truth was, what were the odds?), so the All-Mighty decided that if, hey, Truth was going to fuck-up their duties with their charges and subsequently be forced into a break from their world, then the God of Magical Girls, Boys, and Other Such Entities could certainly step in, and _maybe_ if they did well enough then they could get a promotion!

After all, after dealing with every sort of Mahō Shōjo style entity under the sun, alchemists couldn’t be that bad right?

The god quickly learned that _yes,_ alchemists _could_ be **_that bad_** _,_ because the God of Gods had summoned Truth when the God of Alchemy had been in the middle of dealing with a Big Situation. (With a capital B and a capital S because this was _serious business_ ), and now what had been _Truth's_ problem was now the God of Magical Girls, Boys, and Other Such Entities’ problem. **Yay**.

Specifically, the problem lied with those alchemists that decided that they wanted to act _smart_ and throw the fundamental laws that even _other_ **_alchemists_** had agreed not to break out the window, and perform human transmutation. 

Of course, the God of Magical Girls, Boys, and Other Such Entities (who will henceforth be referred to as Magic) had never had to _deal_ with that problem before because even the worst of their regular charges usually didn’t go _that_ far; but even gods apparently can’t account for the stupidity of power hungry humans, and oh _wow, would you look at_ **_that_ **, now the whole fudging Empire of Xerxes had been wiped off the fudging map in one night because some fudging sapient vapor wanted to be free of its fudging fishbowl.

But _hey_ , everyone makes mistakes, especially when you’ve only just come in control of a universe of people whose primary mode of supernaturally interacting with reality directly clashed with the ones you normally dealt with. 

So. 

Dwarf in the Flask (technically not a "person", but _whatever._ If a _website, actual manifestations of emotions,_ _literal concepts of creation_ _,_ and a _video game mascot_ could be counted as magical **beings** , then literal balls of _vapor_ can be categorized as human) had broken the fundamental laws of alchemy by transmuting a whole empire and causing it to fall overnight, while also dragging in some poor bastard who seemed to barely understand what _calculus_ was, let alone the ramifications of the _godsdang array_ ** _he’d been_** ** _working on_** _._

What was a godly entity to do? 

Well, since the laws of the universe were now out of whack, the easiest (read: laziest) solution would be to do something to _push_ them back into place. 

And that’s when Magic had An Idea.

* * *

_ Subject 1: Van Hohenheim.  _

If Van could speak, his speech would be a never ending stream of " _What the fuck._ " The last thing he remembered was Dwarf in the Flask/Homunculus/Whatever The Fuck It Had Been Called laughing as everyone around them was _dying_ , and if King Xerxes was alive, he was going to fucking _kill Van for killing his advisors, and_ he had _just_ gotten used to his life of freedom, and now it was all going to be taken away because he had trusted some stupid fucking _gas_ trapped in a _bottle_ to know what it was doing and-

" **Van Hohenheim, correct?** " Van stared at the humanoid figure sitting on the ground in front of a pair of massive doors.

"What the fuck." Van said with amazing eloquence. Or at least, that was what he had _tried_ to say. It came out all weird. Van tried again.

"What the fudge?" Okay, still weird why couldn't he curse? He opened his mouth to try again but stopped as the figure smiled. 

Van took a step back. " _What the heck._ " He said, a little more panicked this time, though he once again noted that he _still couldn't swear out loud._

" **I** **will take that as a yes. Also, as I'm sure you've noticed by now, you can't swear here. There's a filter.** " The figure rose to its feet and stepped closer. Van stepped back again. 

_This is hell. I am trapped in hell. I died because I trusted some gas in a bottle._

"Just erase my soul from existence, oh holy _shiii-take_ I fudged up." Van whispered, the surreal experience of it all crashing down on him, though he retained enough self awareness to recognize that the replacement for _shit_ was decidedly not Xerxian. Though when he thought about it, _fudge_ wasn't a Xerxian word either.

Was it food? Some new mineral that the tribes to the West had found? He would've pondered on it some more, but the… demon? Spirit? Angel? _God_ ? Divine Entity of **_Some_ ** Supernatural Persuasion? Looked as if they wanted to speak, and Van decided that it was in his best interest to shut his trap and listen up.

" **As** **much as I would love to, you currently are the only candidate that can put things back into balance.** "

"And that involves…?"

" **You,** **Van Hohenheim, will sign a contract with me. In exchange for a blessing of the primordial elements of this universe, you will stop the plans of Homunculus, also known as the Dwarf in the Flask.** "

* * *

Now. There was a _lot_ to unpack in that sentence, and Van (let alone Magic) simply _did not have time to unpack all of it._

Well, in Magic’s case it was more of a severe laziness than anything else preventing them from doing so.

So Van just nodded. " **Brilliant! You will be granted the power of Heart.** " (Those were always the magical beings that did well, right? _Riiight._

… 

Okay, _maybe_ Magic should give Hohenheim a little more than that, the kid _had_ kicked up relatively less fuss than Magic had expected considering… well… _everything_ they had heard about alchemists, but the rules were clear! 1 power for 1 person, and Magic certainly couldn’t go " _Whoops, sorry, made a mistake!_ " They were a _god_ after all! They had a reputation to keep up.) 

"H-Heart?" Hohenheim asked. "As in, I have to..." He mimed pulling out his heart. 

" **What?** **No, no, no. That’s barbaric. Heart in this case is a harnessing of positive and negative energies, purifying them into the most basic energy that exists in this universe.** "

"So like… a lightning strike but for your emotions?"

 **"If** **that is what helps you visualize your power, then so be it. Now, just remember, as long as you don’t run out of spirit, you will be able to access this power. If you somehow** **_do_ ** **run out of spirit… Well, you always have alchemy, but I would prefer that you don’t run out of spirit because otherwise...** "

"Otherwise, _what?_ " Van might not have been the sharpest tool in the shed (who could really blame him either, he had been a literal _slave_ people!) but he could at least recognize a _direct_ threat to his life when he saw it. 

" **Otherwise you might die. But you are a Philosopher’s Stone so there’s a… 0.999999999999991% chance of that happening! Good luck now!** " And Van was immediately ousted before he could ask any more questions. 

" **That was a success, right?** " Magic asked themselves. They thought on it a little, then nodded. " **Yeah, that was a success.** "

If all alchemists were anything like Hohenheim, then Magic would have a _very_ smooth 500-or-so-years. And hey, at least Hohenheim had saved Magic the trouble of having to awkwardly try and grant him a second power with that visualization of Heart basically being a lightning strike of emotion. Really, Magic didn’t know why everyone kept saying that alchemists were assholes, even some the protagonists of their most famed Mahō Shōjo universes wouldn’t have been able to come up with a creative workaround for _Heart_ of all things like that!

500-years-or-so of managing creative people like _that_ ? This was going to be a _breeze._

* * *

_**Subject 2: Izumi Curtis.** _

Magic looked at the giant-clock-that-hung-on-no-wall and realized that they had just _barely_ under 20 years to go before they could shove the fact that they had managed Truth’s universe better than Truth into the other entity’s face. 

Granted, Magic had learned within those 500-or-so-years that no, even without Truth’s influence alchemists could be little _shits_ (seriously, who had okayed _explosion_ alchemy? Why was that a thing? Why could an alchemist be so batshit bonkers that they could decide that _tattooing their daughter_ was an appropriate way to shield their secrets from the world? _Why, oh_ **_why_ ** was there alchemy that could make an assortment of guns and canons from what amounted to basically thin air? Why did half of all alchemists think that violence was an acceptable first choice when confronted with something they didn’t like? Just... _why were alchemists assholes_ really), but _in general_ the people of this universe weren’t half-bad. 

Well, good things (like promotions) didn’t come without a little work, and since Hohenheim was being _quite_ unhelpful as of late (really, the Dwarf in the Flask had made _seven_ other homunculi in its image and Hohenheim decided that he wanted to go traipsing off to a _different country entirely?_ To make a whole new **_branch_ ** of alchemy no less, as if alchemy hadn’t done _enough_ to the world), Magic might as well enlist someone else to help out. 

After all, all the good Mahō Shōjo teams always had members of at least 4 or 5, but there had been some good duos too. So Magic would enlist (read: trick) the new sucker who had performed Human Transmutation into fighting Father/Dwarf in the Flask/Homunculus and then Magic could sit back and take it easy for the next 17 years. Sure Hohenheim had been dicking about uselessly for the last 500-or-so-years, but all the good Mahō Shōjo universes trended to having "eh-we’ll-leave-defeating-the-bad-guy-to-the-absolute-last-minute" as their main timeframes anyways, so maybe Magic couldn’t blame Hohenheim too much.

The only problem was… 

From the _minute_ Magic saw her, they realized that Izumi Curtis was _not_ a woman to be messed with. 

"Why am I here?" She asked practically as soon as she was deposited from the Gate. 

" **Because you performed Human Transmut —"**

"No that’s not what I’m asking you overstuffed beanbag, I’m asking why I’m _here._ " Which was a question that Magic simply _was not_ going to get into. Existencial crises were _not_ their domain.

" **I have brought you here for assistance. For having the tenacity to survive the process of Human Transmutation and for seeing the Truth of your world, I am enlisting you in the fight against evil.** "

"So… the military?"

" **Wait how did you know —"**

" _Really?_ I always _knew_ the military was the nexus of all evil!" Izumi grinned. "I can’t _wait_ to tell Sig-"

" **No, no, you misunderstand. The military is in the hands of an evil entity that is scheming to destroy your country.** "

"Why just _Amestris_? With all the warring we do you’d think he/she/it wants to destroy the whole world. I mean, did you **_see_** what happened to Ishval?"

" **That may be one of his later goals, but right now he is focused on destroying Amestris.** "

"Okay… So, do I get a say in any of this?"

" **You may choose what blessing you receive from me.** " Which had _not_ been a mercy Magic had given to Hohenheim, but then Hohenheim was faffing about exploring the world and not working on his objective, probably because his power sucked, so might as well _try_ to improve the performance of the next unlucky bastard to get suckered into the whole ‘save the world from unspeakable evil’ plan.

"Wait, how is this the first I’ve ever heard of you? I’m not the only alchemist to have performed Human Transmutation! But then again, I guess not many of them survived..." She muttered. Magic deliberately did not tell her of Van Hohenheim. 

(Who had fuck- er, _fudged_ off to some bumf- er, oh screw it, bum _frick_ town in the middle of godsdang _nowhere! Seriously, he had a task that had been given to him by_ **_GOD_ ** _to do, and he wanted to get_ **_laid_ ** _? And_ **_this_ ** _after taking a century long sabbatical in another country, and then another 400-and-then-some years long exploration of the surrounding lands?_ **_Alchemists_ ** _. Assholes, the lot of them._ )

"So how does this power work exactly?" Izumi asked. Well, at least Magic wouldn’t need to convince her (hopefully) to take up the job then!

" **As a wielder of a blessing from the primordial elements of your universe, you will engage in combat with the evildoer. While you are not forced to fight, whenever he draws close, you will feel an urge to slay him. As for the power itself, all humans have** **_spirit_ ** **inside them. You may also know it as a** **_soul._ ** **By drawing upon the power of your soul, you may use your powers. If you lack spirit, you may also use alchemy, as you still have access to that power as well.** "

"Can I use alchemy even without a lack of spirit?"

" **Yes, you may.** "

"Okay… Also, where is the _exchange_ in all this? I get the whole, power trade off with soul thing, but what about my cost for Human Transmutation?" Right, right, Magic _had_ been forgetting something. Something they had _also_ forgotten with Hohenheim. Oh well. 

" **Your Toll will be deducted as you leave.** " AKA: Magic hadn’t thought of that just yet.

"Alright. Then I want the power of the classical elements." Wait what.

" **You may not have understood me, I said that you —"**

"You said I could have _a_ blessing of the elements. You didn’t say that the blessing had to be of _one_ element." Which _was_ right, damn her.

" **Then fine. You may have the blessing of the classical elements. Water, Earth, Air, and** **Fire** —"

"I didn’t say that they had to be the _Amestrian_ classical elements." Which… Okay that was just _too much._ Magic could handle a little humiliation, but Izumi was a _human_ and Magic was a _god_. She shouldn’t have been able to poke loopholes like that in Magic’s contract. 

(They were starting to understand why _Truth_ of all gods had been put in charge of this universe.)

" **Then** **_which_ ** **classical elements do you want the blessing of?** "

"Cretan." Which had the most expansive set of classical elements out there, _why_ did she **_know that_ ** _-_

" **Then you may have the blessings of Water, Earth, Fire, Air, Aether, Metal and Wood. I will now bring you back to your plane, and I will exact from you a toll for all you have seen.** "

Magic kicked Izumi out, and took some of her organs for good measure. _Ha_ . Teach _her_ to try and outwit a _god._

* * *

  
  


_**Subject 3: Edward Elric.** _

Okay, what the fuck, this was a fucking child. And no, clearly the kiddie curses weren’t going to cut it this time, so Magic disabled the filter. Besides, a _child_ wouldn’t know many swear words right? Even if the kid _was_ an alchemist… 

Magic decided that they were going to have some very strong words for Truth (hypocritical ones, they knew because just _look_ at the famous Mahō Shōjo universes, but still! Alchemists were supposed to be adults, not children, and even the young ones usually didn’t try to play with _fucking_ **_Human Transmutation_ **) whenever they returned from their forced sabbatical.

" **Edward Elric, I am enlisting you in the fight against evil.** " Magic said, trying to speed up the intro as to avoid any questions. " **For having the tenacity to survive the process of Human Transmutation and for seeing the Truth of your world, I will allow you to receive the blessing of your choosing of a primordial element of your universe. Do you accept this power and the responsibility that goes along with it?** "

"What counts as an element?" Wait, **_what._ **

" **Come again?** "

"What counts as a ‘primordial element’?"

" **Anything involved in the construction of your** **universe** —"

"I want the blessing of hydrogen then."

" **I… I’m sorry?** " Elric gave him such a disdain filled look, that Magic almost just kicked him out, took the Toll and defaulted to Truth’s usual style of things. 

AKA: Give ‘em the ability to do alchemy without a circle, and the humans’ll sort it out themselves. If that doesn’t work, drink yourself into oblivion and wait for the human who did the transmutation to die of old age or something.

" _Hydrogen._ As in the thing that makes up 91% of the sun’s gas, as in one of the fucking _primary building blocks of life. As in the_ **_element_ ** _hydrogen._ " Well fuck them sideways, this little shit knew what the fuck he was talking about. 

" **Well, I suppose that would fit the criteria… I will allow it. Edward Elric, you are now blessed with the power to control hydrogen in all its forms.** " And _wow_ they did _not_ like the face he was making. 

Magic almost felt sorry for the Dwarf in the Flask, Elric _clearly_ knew how he was going to weaponize that power of his. Actually… Maybe Magic could handicap Elric? Just to make the fight a bit more fair?

(Fairer than it already was, what with Hohenheim seemingly dropping off the face of the fucking Earth to plant what were _apparently_ Philosopher’s Stones into a circle around the country (really? That was what he had waited almost 500-and-then-some years to do?), and Izumi Curtis being hamstrung by her missing organs. Okay, so that last one was Magic’s own fault, but like Hell if they were going to _admit it._ )

"Great, now can I get Al’s body back too, while we’re doing this whole, ‘give power for no cost’ thing?" Oh, right… Magic _had_ been forgetting something.

" **This power comes at a cost Edward Elric. When you use it, you will use up spirit, also known as the soul. If you use all of your spirit, then you will die.** "

"So...every time I use this power, I basically lose a bit of my soul, and when that runs out, I die."

" **You could also find a conduit —**" 

"Where the _fuck_ am I going to find a damn _soul battery?!_ It’s not like those are just _hanging about_ in Amestris, like, oh, I’m running out of spirit! Better go to the store and buy a _soul battery!_ " Magic thoughtfully refrained from bringing up Van Hohenheim. "Can I just use alchemy then?"

" **If that is your wish, then you may use alchemy instead of your power, but you will always have access to your blessing if needed. I will now return you to your plane.** "

"But what about Al—!" Magic kicked him out. Then watched as _another_ blond (golden haired?) child stepped out of a different Gate.

"...Umn… Hello?" He squeaked. Magic sat back and watched as its newly acquired leg vanished from sight (but they could still… _feel it…_ How strange), and frowned at the tiny human.

* * *

  
  


_**Subject 4: Alphonse Elric.** _

But not for long as Edward _fucking_ Elric practically body snatched the little chit before Magic could get a word in edgewise!

"Umn, hello?" Or...maybe not? Magic looked down and saw flesh hands and feet, and they swore that their vision was now _worse_ than before, which _how?_ They’re a _god_ and-

Magic stared at the brightly glowing body (well, sort of glowing, it was white on a white background, hard to differentiate) of the child who had been standing there before Edward Elric had popped in and out. 

So… The brother had performed Human Transmutation alongside Edward, but their Tolls had been different… Taking this into account, Edward had been then deposited into his plane of existence first, saw that his brother was still at the Gate with Magic, and pulled his soul back to the earthly plane.

But that meant that Alphonse Elric still had to pay the Toll, which meant that Magic got his body, while the young boy was now a... soul... creature…? Well… Alright then. 

" **Alphonse Elric.** " Magic started, feeling somewhat uncomfortable talking to the boy like this. " **You are —**"

"I heard it while you were talking to Brother." Magic wished they could be surprised. But they weren’t. Of _course_ the two Elrics had connected Gates, why the fuck not? Alchemists. Were. Assholes. Even down to the _kids._

" **That saves me an introduction then. Do you have any questions then Alphonse Elric?** " Because what the hell, might as well humor the boy.

"Well, it’s just a clarification..." The boy smiled sheepishly.

" **Go ahead.** " This time, Magic didn’t even bother to hide their weariness. 

"Umn… Well, clearly I don’t have a body, and Brother only summoned my soul to seal it to the armor… So if _technically_ I can still be considered alive and all, since clearly the soul is what’s important to, well, _living,_ does that mean I am drawing from the spiritual energy of the Gate to stay alive?"

These brothers would be the death of Magic, they just _knew it._

" **I suppose so."**

"Well, if the power that I get can only be maintained through spirit—" Okay, they were going to stop the boy right there, Magic had had _enough_ of alchemists trying to find loopholes in their agreements. Magical Beings had never been so unruly!

" **Because of your… unique state Alphonse Elric, I am afraid that you are now very much like a conduit for spiritual energy. This means that your only blessing is that of raw spirit, you may only use spirit in its raw form without any transformation, besides that of alchemy. However, this is not a complete drawback, as raw spirit cannot be resisted by anything.** "

"Oh, so there’s a transmutation array that requires spirit to work? Or at least one that incorporates it? Well, besides Human Transmutation of course, and even that one would need a specific soul..." He muttered. "Oh, right, my question!"

" **You… Your question wasn’t about your power?** " Magic asked warily.

"Oh, no, I was just wondering that, since technically I draw from the Gate’s spiritual energies to stay alive, doesn’t that mean that through my blood seal, I can almost never run out of spirit?"

Fuck.

He was _right._ Magic _really_ should have let the boy finish. 

"... **I suppose so.** "

"Well, thank you for answering my question!" Magic would have throttled the kid if he weren’t so damn _cute._

" **Yes, yes. Now I will send you back to the earthly plane.** " They kicked Alphonse out, and wondered how they could get their hands on some Ishvalan Moonshine to drink themselves into oblivion yet. 

Unlimited spirit, and access to raw spirit. 

The Elrics were going to destroy the world, they just _knew it._

* * *

_**Subject 5: Roy Mustang.** _

"I heard the whole spiel _years_ ago, just give me the ability of luck, specifically _good_ luck, and we can move on with our lives."

" **I… I almost thought you were one of the non-asshole alchemists. I suppose I was wrong.** " Magic sighed, eyeing the Colonel warily.

"How in the hell did you ever come to _that_ conclusion?" The raven haired man snorted. "In case you didn’t notice, _I am a_ _war_ _criminal_."

" **Yes. Yes. So, as a question on my part, how did you arrive to the conclusion that** **_luck_ ** **was an** **_element?_ **"

"The Elrics told me, and I quote ‘you will allow me to receive the blessing of my choosing of a primordial element of our universe’ and considering that you defined element as not just including the _classical_ ones, well, I figured that _element_ could also mean: playing a role in the part of making the universe and the things within it." Mustang shrugged. "Luck is a pretty important element in the well… _creation_ of life, and it’s harder to get more _primordial_ than something that is just a concept." 

" **Well. I think that’s the one that broke me. Just… Just take your blessing human, and get out of my sight.** "

"My pleasure." Mustang was banished, and Magic took a swig of moonshine before remembering that oh yeah, alchemists need to exchange power for body parts, and took his eyesight, because Truth wasn’t the only god with a handle on how _irony_ worked, (even if it wasn’t _exactly_ how Dwarf in the Flask/Father/Homunculus/Whatever The Fuck They Were Calling Him/It Now _thought_ it worked) and Magic had a bone to pick.

Because holy _fuck,_ was Mustang just an asshole.

(But then again, so were all alchemists.)

* * *

Alchemists made for shitty magical girls/boys/beings. 

Magic watched dispassionately as the 5 "good" alchemists used the "all your powers combined" method (though not without throwing in some good old asshole alchemist hacks, like having Mustang with his supernatural (literally) good luck be the one to restrain Dwarf in the Flask/Homunculus/Father/God/Father Without God/Whatever They Were Calling Him Now so that he would get hit (and with his miraculously bullshit good luck Mustang would walk away unharmed) by the unable-to-be-resisted beam of raw spirit summoned by Alphonse Elric.) 

So when Izumi Curtis jumped in with a lethal mixture of her alchemy and her powers over the classical elements as a distraction while Mustang got into place, Magic didn’t even bat an eye. No, they just watched as Edward Elric and Van Hohenheim made a mockery of the Mahō Shōjo universes Magic was used to administrating, by codging together an array that would cancel out the Philosopher’s Stone still left in Father via using _Hohenheim's Heart power to conduct their resolve, energy, and will as a way to power the array and serve as a match to the stone's power,_ as long as they kept him still for long enough to actually, you know, use the array on him.

And oh boy, would you look at that, since Mustang and Alphonse were keeping him pinned (the whole raw spirit cannot be resisted by anything bullshit _still_ chafed at Magic) Hohenheim and Edward _could_ in fact use said array, and Curtis finished off the mockery by sealing all 6, technically 5, (but if alien-cats could count as magical beings then sapient vapor that acquired a human body and could do alchemy could be considered as human) alchemists into a giant earthen dome with added rapidly-cycling-air shield, with more Heart-powered based "lightning" raining down from the sky for good measure, because why not. 

And of course, because this was Truth's dimension first and this universe just _loved_ to remind Magic of that: Even the whole, "we used our resolve, friendship, love for one another, and willpower to save the day" message was ruined by Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist himself, immediately punching the Dwarf in the Flask's lights out just as the being lost control over the Stone.

There was a big blowback from that, sending all of the "good guys" flying away from the epicenter, though Magic couldn’t deny a visceral feeling of enjoyment when seeing Elric get impaled through the arm. Of course they couldn’t enjoy it for long as Alphonse Elric and that girl from Xing (so Hohenheim traipsing about actually _did_ result in something _useful_ , would you look at that)

And then there was a bright flash of light and oh wow, looks like Magic had a _visitor._

Magic went to go greet the grinning little menace that was Dwarf in the Flask/Homunculus/God/Formerly God Who Got His Shit Kicked in By Two Children and Some Vaguely Competent Adults/Father/Whatever Title He Saw Fit to Grant Himself, and found themselves face to face with the form of one Alphonse Elric, body and soul all back together.

" **How’d** **_this_ ** **happen?** " Magic was _so close_ to just having a breakdown. _So close._ The alchemists _deserved_ Truth. There was simply no other universe administrator with enough _asshole_ in them to effectively manage them and _not_ have a breakdown other than Truth.

"Turns out when you get unlimited raw spirit up against God himself, God still wins. So between that and the connected human transmutation array I had May set up, I came here. If you please, could you give Brother his arm back now?" Elric smiled, like he couldn’t see the _pain_ Magic was going through right now. Magic pointed at Elric’s Gate (like the little shit didn’t know where it was already), banished the shorter Elric’s arm back to Earth, and waited until the little _headache_ was well out of earshot to start screaming.

And then there was _another_ Gate, no design on its big double stone doors, and a sapient ball of vapor in front of Magic. And worst of all, Magic’s appearance had already changed to mirror that of the ball of vapor. 

Magic wanted to _rip this godsforsaken universe in_ **_two_ ** _._

* * *

  
  


_**Subject 6: The Dwarf in the Flask.** _

The ball of sapient vapor looked confused. Magic would have almost felt sorry if it hadn’t caused this entire mess and forced them to deal with _alchemists_ for the past _500-and-then-some-years._

" **Blah blah, blabbity blah, you know the fucking drill, get in the fucking Gate you failure.** "

"But I don’t understand! How did they all have these powers, none of which related to alchemy at all, how were they able to defeat me! Defeat _god?!_ " Magic sighed, and patted the ball on the back(?) because honestly? 

Magic could sympathize.

" **Listen. Dwarf in the Flask. Homunculus. Father. Whatever your name is. They won because** **_alchemists. Are. Assholes._** _"_

"But Equivalent Exchange—!"

" **Doesn’t mean jack shit in the face of alchemists who can nitpick the hell out of any contract they find themselves in. Wait, no, that’s** **_all_ ** **alchemists, but these fucking** **_5_ ** **in particular just found themselves loopholes and squirmed right through! Now** **_look_ ** **, I have had enough of their bullshit, I just want to drink enough alcohol to forget all the past 500 years or so ever happened, and I am NEVER going to complain about Mahō Shōjo universes EVER again because they are all collectively less of a pain in the neck to deal with than 5 TECHNICALLY** **_6_ ** **ALCHEMISTS!** " Magic shoved the little ball of vapor that stared this whole shitstorm into the Gate, and slammed it shut. 

They _really_ needed a drink.

And for Truth to come back, but the drink was of more immediate importance.

* * *

_**Subject 7: Edward Elric (Again.)** _

"Take my Gate." The boy (teen? Adult? Magic was _not_ good with human ages) said, gesturing wide. "I don’t need it. I have my friends and family, and they’re more important than alchemy will ever be."

" **Fuck me, I don’t want your Gate.** " Magic said. Elric’s face fell, but before he started talking, Magic held up a hand, one that felt strangely naked without Elric’s arm there, but whatever. " **Just… Just take your Brother and get out of here. I am** **_sick and tired_ ** **of dealing with you assholes. Actually, fuck, take whatever you like as long as it gets you** **_out_** **.** "

"...Anything?"

" ** _Yes, anything._ ** **Well, no, not dead people, but anything else is fair game.** ”

"Then, Al, Mustang’s eyesight, and Teacher’s organs."

" **You don’t want your leg?** "

"Reminds me that I can still make mistakes." Elric said. In all honestly, it was a noble act, but to Magic, it just made him even _more_ of an asshole than he already was (discounting the whole, "is an alchemist" thing).

" **Fine. Fuck it. Whatever. Just get out.** " And Elric _did_ take all of that stuff, but like the asshole alchemist he was _just_ before he left with all the stuff (and the one person) he turned to ask Magic a question. 

"What happens to our powers? Father’s dead after all."

" **I’m taking them back. You people don’t deserve to keep them since you’re all assholes. Though I shouldn’t have expected much from alchemists.** "

"You know, not every alchemist is an asshole." If Magic could turn people into dust and particulate matter by sheer will alone, Elric would have disintegrated by now. Since they _couldn’t,_ they had to settle for just glaring.

" **Get out.** " And then Elric and his brother and all the missing body parts/functions for the rest of the assholes left.

* * *

_Afterword_ . 

" **Alchemists are assholes even without your influence.** " Magic declared as Truth popped into the dimensional space they normally occupied.

" **So what happened** **_this_ ** **time?** "

" **So it all started with** **_Hohenheim..._** "

* * *

  
  


" **In conclusion, alchemists are the worst group of reality manipulators to have to control, and it’s no wonder that an asshole like** **_you_ ** **got put in charge of them.** "

" **Well, I suppose you’re right Magic. Alchemists** **_are_ ** **assholes, but they’re** **_mine_ ** **to watch over. So get out.** " Magic didn’t even have time to hurl more obscenities at Truth and their fucking _hellions_ before they were popped back into their regular dimensional void.

" **Thank goodness I don’t have to deal with** **_them_ ** **ever again.** " Magic muttered. " **Just good old mahō shōjo fuckery. No annoying assholes to find loopholes in deals, just naive idiots willing to take the bait to fight against evil or grant their wishes or whatever.** "

A pink haired girl popped into Magic’s dimensional space. The god narrowed their "eyes" at her. " **Who are- Oh wait, I know you! You’re Madoka, from Puella Magi, oh I had a** **_blast_ ** **with your universe! What are _you_ doing here?**"

"As a goddess that has pledged to erase all witches from existence before they’re even born, I, formerly known as Madoka Kaname, strip you, the one who brought about the wretched system of the Incubators, of any authority to administer the powers of Magical Beings!"

Well fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magical Being/Entity references if you didn't catch 'em: 
> 
> Website - Mahou Shoujo Site  
> Actual manifestations of emotions - Black Rock Shooter  
> Video game mascot - Magical Girl Raising Project  
> Concepts of creation - Miraculous Ladybug  
> Alien-cat - Madoka Magica


	2. If Alchemist Are Assholes, Then Truth is A Thousand Times Worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote an alternate ending to this, because why not?

Truth found themselves frowning at the mess Magic had made of their universe. Seriously, they’d only been gone for roughly 500 years, how did everything get so fucked up? 

Truth glanced at the record of the tolls Magic had collected. 

_Hohenheim - forgot to take a toll, gave him power of Heart_

_Curtis - took some bodily organs, gave her power of the classical elements (Cretan)_

_Elric 1 - took leg then arm, power of hydrogen_

_Elric 2 - took body, power over raw spirit_

_Mustang - blinded, power over good luck_

If only Magic hadn’t already left before Truth could fucking _flambé them._ This was a shitshow of massive proportions, how had Magic forgotten to take a toll from Hohenheim, how had they allowed _humans_ to con them out of magical gifts? Seriously, Magic had been an administrator for just as long as Truth had been, if not for longer, these were _rookie_ mistakes.

But then again, when your main administrative job was to simply "watch over" pastel-pink happy-go-lucky worlds with only a few drama bombs dropped in between those to spice ‘em up a little, perhaps your ability to see human machinations coming diminished some. Well, there was only going to be one way to fix this one.

Truth summoned a stack of papers, a pen, and a chair. It was just about all the little pocket dimension could handle, now that Alphonse Elric had been allowed to sap a good chunk of the energy from it for his so-called "Spirit Beam of Bullshit" (Magic’s term, not Truth’s). After what seemed like an eternity, Truth finally finished the stack and allowed it to dissipate. 

Now to wait.

The response came surprisingly quickly, and Truth smiled at seeing the bright red stamp. They studiously ignored the words _accompanying_ that stamp (namely: _If you continue to show such belligerent behavior then we shall suspend you from administrating this universe for another 500 years_ ) and walked over to the bright red button that was the only color that remained in the now depleted dimension. 

Truth pressed the button.

And found themselves face to face with one Van Hohenheim. 

Well, the next 500-and-then-some-years were bound to be entertaining at least. (For Truth anyways.)

* * *

_**Subject 1(?) Van Hohenheim.**_ ~~(~~ ~~Haven’t you done this before?)~~

If Van could speak, his speech would be a never ending stream of " _What the fuck._ " The last thing he remembered was Dwarf in the Flask/Homunculus/Whatever The Fuck It Had Been Called laughing as everyone around them was _dying_ , and if King Xerxes was alive, he was going to fucking _kill Van for killing his advisors, and_ he had _just_ gotten used to his life of freedom, and now it was all going to be taken away because he had trusted some stupid fucking _gas_ trapped in a _bottle_ to know what it was doing and-

" **Van Hohenheim, correct?** " Van stared at the humanoid figure sitting on the ground in front of a pair of massive doors. He stepped back. Something seemed both _very_ familiar, and _very_ wrong. 

He didn’t speak. He nodded. 

The being smiled wide, tombstone teeth being the only thing Van could reliably differentiate from the rest of its white, vaguely humanoid shaped form. 

" **Good.** " And Van could only feel _pain_ as those big stone doors opened and dragged him in.

* * *

Truth watched as Hohenheim was dragged through the Gate to see the truth behind all of alchemy. 

1 down with 500-and-a-bit more years still left on the clock. 4 more to go. 

As Hohenheim woke back up on Earth (no body parts missing, but his physiology surely different) and Dwarf in the Flask approached him, Truth simply observed as the "new" events of the next 500-or-so years slowly fell into place. 


End file.
